Dear Diane,
I have a sister in law who consistently “toots her own horn” every time we get together as a family. She can’t listen to a story without bringing the topic back around to herself. To make matters much worse, she brags shamelessly and creates an uncomfortable atmosphere at every family event. We all notice it, but no one wants to tell our brother. There are three sisters, myself and my two other siblings, and then our older brother who has finally found a mate after years of being alone. How should we handle this situation without coming across as rude or judgmental?
Thank you in advance,
Judy, Jill, and Jesse
Dear Julie, Jill, and Jesse,
How nice that you all acknowledge your brother is happy and has “finally found a mate” after years of being alone. I assume he was lonely and looking for a partner, as opposed to a confirmed bachelor who was not longing for a long-term relationship. My advice to you is to tread lightly. If you handle this wrong, it could backfire and your brother and his wife may not be joining you for dinner this holiday season.
Considering your discomfort comes from a genuine place, make an effort to genuinely redirect your sister in law. The next time she starts to brag, ask her questions that are related, getting her to speak about the scenario on a broader level.
For example:
You: We had so much fun on our recent vacation to Mexico.
Her: We loved Mexico too and I got to fly first class because I made a huge bonus this year.
You: What kinds of activities did you do when you were there? Did you snorkel? Fish? Sightsee?
Her: We had the presidential suite.
You: Tell me about a few of your favorite restaurants/foods?
If this plan doesn’t work, you may opt to speak to her privately and tell her you are having difficulty relating to her because her conversations often feel like a competition. Express your desire to grow the relationship and give her an opportunity to correct the course of her dialogue. Avoid saying, “We all” are irritated, or “We all” are feeling agitated by your constant bragging. It will rightfully make her feel judged and uncomfortable. Understand, you run the risk of offending your brother and an initial conversation with him may be the best first step before addressing your sister in law.
There is no easy answer to this question. I encourage you to stay kind and respectful.
Best of luck,
Diane
